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posted : Monday, October 19, 2015
title : A blast to the past.
Well it have been a while since I blog anything here and I had intended to keep this blog dead to preserve only the past memories here , but I believe I just had to let something out. Something that should have stayed dormant. But emotions have its ways to not let us forget the beauty and the pain from the past at times. So I believe letting it out here is a more private thing to do rather than to rant on twitter which is really do love to do ,but is unable to as the word count is really too damn pathetic.
One thing I realize after reading my old post and such is that I still miss someone that used to be closed to me and I realize that well I did do a lot of shit when I was younger. I was an angsty kid who loves to push people away but in a sense I also have a shitload of friends that entertains my whim to a certain extend. But as I grow older this luxury is somewhat lessen as people starts to have their own life and priorities so friends are scarce . even me to a certain extend had not put in any effort to not extinguish the flames of friendship but that's not my point or subject that I wish to actually blog about. Quite frankly I'm just typing whatever I'm thinking so this kinda makes it somewhat "random" as I used to say when I was younger as that was my favorite word at that time.
Well I shall say what I've intended to say when I first had the idea to blog. Let's rewind to ten years ago. I was 12 years old then. I was a quiet boy who is somewhat timid , someone who is so use to being alone and is somewhat a solitary creature still innocent and somewhat less tainted by the world . I was a kid who had a magnificent imagination I could be contented with my day dreaming about nonsensical stuffs like being a "Power Ranger" I was an avid fan of that kind of super hero genre . someone who believe that the forces of good will always triumph over evil and such but over the years I've become more cynical even though I am naive at times and always trying to see the good in people. So one thing I hated the most is being lied to. That's something that I can't tolerate that is something that had never change I guess at least I'm stronger now and is able to say no when I want to.
Well that during my primary school days I used to have a crush on this girl actually two girls as far as I can remember . one was the popular kid that I happened to meet a few years later and the other well I don't really know what had happened to her. Okay so the first girl is somewhat a girl of mix parentage of Malay and Indian descent and the second is a chines girl both which I will not name. That was when everything was quite innocent at least at that point I was innocent .
Fast forward to secondary school hmmm my first year was something that I can't really remember much as I felt that I didn't really do much on that year. But you kinda knew that it was somewhat shitty. New school , new environment I actually freaked out but I managed to make some "Friends"and that school is where I met a few of the people that I am still closed to Technically. That is where I met my best friend which somewhat the person who I am treating like a stranger to due to some things that I don't wish to discuss or speak off here. I was in that school for roughly 4 years but I didn't complete my major exams there as I was an idiot st that point of time. I wasn't exactly stupid but the choices I made are somewhat disappointing so without graduating I went to a private school . Mercu learning center to pursue my GCE 'O' levels which i failed terribly. I guess this is where my story really starts .
So before and during I took my 'O's I got to know this girl and this girl somewhat made a huge impact in my life as she was my first "serious flame". I dated her for a few years and experience a lot of changes when I was with her. She taught me what it meant to be patience as she was never on time with anything and I grew up to be on time for everything . to me punctuality was sacred for everything and she was the one that had always tested that when I was with her. But being with her was something else altogether. She made me feel so many things that nobody had ever did. She was the source of my happiness , sorrow , rage and bliss . we were a world apart in almost everything . she was someone who believe in structures while I'm chaos. She was neat to a point while I'm messy as hell everything about us seems to be the opposite but she still gave me the best time of my life and till now I haven't found anyone who can illuminate my life like she does. We started well everything was a bed of roses everything was utterly beautiful but as time goes by things started to crack . well the beautiful roses that we paint turns to a vile mess. Everything goes haywire at one point. This could be due to the fact that we no longer communicated as much as we should. I showed less interest so someone else does it for me and also in between a lot of things happened. I made that bad with my rash behavior hurting her by doing things that I should not do. Slowly her love fades and slowly she starts to not see me as how she seen me in the past. I was her source of misery rather than joy . I seem like a needed kid wanting attention rather than the boyfriend she needed. And as time goes by the person who showed her attention wins her affection and I was left with the bitterness that was ensured. Truth be told I was bitter at first . a sad mess . feeling only hatred and confusion. I felt betrayed that she left me for someone else. But as time goes by I realized that maybe it is just not meant to be mine and slowly it felt easier. But once a while when I remember those sweet memories I still misses her as someone who once brings joy to my life and I do feel sad that it had to end that wa but well that's life sometimes the person who light up your life may not be the one who spends the rest of your life with. Maybe someday I'll meet someone who makes me see the world in that light again. Whatever you're currently going I hope that life is good for you and I sincerely hope that you have a good life ahead and if we were to meet again I hope we can put our differences and past behind. Thank you for those wonderful years that you've invested on me I still treasures them but not in that way but like a precious part of my life.
-Signing off Audi Sulaiman
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AudiTheKiller!
